Mass Effect 4- The Phoenix
by jmichaelm99
Summary: A deliberate attempt to give us "control" choosers a chance at something more. If you chose to save EDI and the Geth, you shouldn't be punished. And neither should a certain Commander. In the dawn of a new age, will the galaxy be able to push beyond the aftermath of a war? And will a certain team of heroes find what they need to be happy in the galaxy they saved? Fem!Shep
1. Chapter 1-The Ashes

_To control the Reapers or bring their destruction…_

In a small colony on Tuchunka the Krogan children played outside while being watched by a supervising female Shaman who was known by the name given to her by a Salarian doctor. Eve normally would not have done such menial tasks but ever since the war and all she had been through and seen, she found solace in watching children play. And she was so grateful to have the chance to even see children. Both because of the years without them due to the genophage, and because of the devastation caused by the Reapers. So many lost their lives. But these children did not know of those things. They did not know about war. They did not really understand the true horrors that was thrust upon the universe shortly before they were born.

Eve looked around her. For the most part, this colony had rebuilt colony was set up by the Shamans as a safe haven for children born during the genophage years. It had been hit by a few Collectors but not so bad that they had to really worry. Most construction was just to improve what had been built before, or to add new structures completely. Many Krogan parents were left alone and injured after the war and needed help. The Shamans offered limited but good aid. They still had their normal Shaman duties, but Eve had convinced them to open their doors for more kind acts during the current state of affairs.

She had learned that from Shepard.

She turned her attention back to the children. She watched as one came running in to the other children excited and telling the others something. She could not hear what was said but she imagined it was important because shortly after the child ran back and the other children followed.

Eve went after them. She was sure it was not something bad. But she also felt that something was not… _right._

The children ran fast and she was not about to take off in a sprint. Not that she needed to in order to follow them. So by the time she reached them, they had settled down around whatever it was that they were there for. They were circled around the thing and at first Eve could not see it. But the children were asking questions. Was it a person?

"So you don't know what space is?"

"Or what kristings o'tras are?"

"Or what you are?"

They all giggled after each question. But when Eve heard the response, she nearly fell to the ground in shock.

"No. I'm sorry."

That voice.

"Am I supposed to? Am I not like you?"

 _That voice._

The children squealed, "NO! You aren't a Krogan!"

"Oh, then do you know what I am?"

Eve walked up and had to catch her breath. Sitting in a circle of children, unharmed, as if nothing had happened, as if nothing was wrong, was-

"Shepard?" Eve said aloud.

The woman in the center of children looked up and stared at Eve confused.

"I'm sorry?" the woman said. "Who?"

Eve walked up to the woman and looked at her. The human woman looked like Shepard. Sounded like her. But when Eve focused, she could feel that something… was not right. It was not wrong. It was not bad. But it certainly was not _right._

Eve studied the woman for a moment. She looked like Shepard, but she was different. Shepard always had short, shaved hair when Eve saw her. This woman had long curls well past her waist. Shepard also had had scars. Some were from when Cerberus revived her. Some were simply from the battles of war. This Shepard smelled like Shepard, but also like something else. She smelled new. She had no scars. No wear on her fingers. Her skin was completely smooth. And she did not have hard lines on her face from endless sleepless nights. This Shepard also was not in clothing Eve had ever seen before. Least of all on Shepard. It was a simple white dress and nothing more. No designs. No adjustments. It fit Shepard well but, it was not was Eve imagined the Commander ever wearing.

The woman was not armed. She did not even have shoes. She just sat there. New. Fresh. Unaware. And in some ways, free.

But Eve could not get the feeling in her stomach to go away. Something was not right. And she had to make sure everything was okay.

She stepped forward and the children made room for her in front of Shepard.

"You are a human," Eve started "So no. You are no Krogan."

The children giggled and questioned among themselves what a human was doing on Tuchunka.

She turned around and made her way back to the temple.

"Follow me," she said without looking back. She had a lot to think about. This Shepard apparently would have few if any answers to the many questions Eve would have.

And Eve was sure that she was not going to be the only one.

* * *

 _ **This is actually being written by my sister who happens to have no sense of time so don't expect regular updates from her. But this is what she says:**_

 _ **"**_ **FemShep! And it's written to be a sequel and final Mass Effect story because that ending was messed up. And I was really annoyed that if I chose control, there is no way for me to survive. Like, I didn't choose control to be all Overlord. I didn't want to freaking kill EDI and the geth when I just went out of my way to save them! Why am I punished for that?  
There aren't ratings here but warning, this is going to be rated M in my opinion just because ME is and I will be trying to push myself in the romance dep. Might not because it's not really my thing but..."**


	2. Chapter 2- Finding Questions

The human stood at the side of the buttress and looked out to the newly green Tuchunka. With the genophage cured, the Krogan wanted to cater to the nature of their world more for the new generation. They wanted new life for the new lives coming to their nations. And it was beautiful.

The human woman could not take her eyes off of the rolling grasses in front of her. She was captivated by the stunning green. She felt like she could inhale the smell of leaves forever. There was something about the raw nature that spoke to her. She felt like it was a part of her. Like the green called out to her. It was as if somehow, the pure nature of the outside was where she belonged. Yet she also liked the distance. The longing made her want it more and she loved feeling that need. It was why she had not ran out to the trees and grasses of Tuchunka already. On some levels, she stayed because she was told to. But in other ways, she felt good looking to the outside.

She felt content and happy in the temple for Krogan shamans. She was not aware of the concern she caused the shamans to feel nor the distress she would cause for others later. She just felt _good._

In a different area of the temple, Eve was in a meeting with her fellow shamans. The shamans were discussing the human, Shepard, and many were displeased with her arrival. Others were worried, and they had a right to be.

"I don't see why we don't have her killed right now!" stated one shaman. He was dressed in a dark golden outfit and was a new shaman. He had much to learn in Eve's opinion. He was quick to respond and make up his mind. Some would see it as reckless but it kept him alive and in many ways, Eve respected it. In others, she saw it as a flaw.

"Why? So she can come back? _Again?"_ argued another shaman donned in bright pink. "This is a second coming for this human. I wonder if she would ever truly stay dead," she said almost to herself.

"That's if this is in fact really her. Which I still don't believe," said another shaman wearing orange colors. He had a reputation for being skeptical and patient. Always wanting as much information as possible. Eve understood it. It was outrageous to believe.

"And why not? No one knows what really happened in the Citadel!" said a shaman in green clothing. He was an odd Krogan in Eve's opinion. He had a great faith in things outside his own abilities. It was not something Eve saw in Krogan often. But she had seen it very often with Shepard.

"Why would she even come back here?" snapped the krogan in gold. "Wouldn't her own planet be more suitable? Obviously this is some sort of ploy and we are in danger."

"That's true," agreed the krogan in orange. "I think she poses some sort of danger. What if she's some sort of Reaper trick?"

"Then we were fools to accept their aid," said the krogan in pink. "We should have destroyed them then. If this is a trick, it is one certainly thought out."

"Thought out how? By giving us a fake, broken Shepard? This trick obviously was defective! She has no memories," the Krogan in green retorted. "Even the Eve Mother believes it is her!"

Eve was referred to Humans as _Eve_ because of Mordin. The Krogan had decided to call her _Mother_ because of her aid in the curing of the genophage. It was not a name so much as a title which is why Eve allowed both. Afterall, she had already given up her birth name long ago. But the title _Eve Mother_ made those around her feel good, so she felt not allowing it would be cruel.

"Eve Mother, is it really her?" asked the krogan in orange. "Is this human here the true Commander Shepard?"

Those in the room looked to her. Each both hoping yes because it would be wonderful to have the Commander back. But also hoping no because it could mean something dangerous to possibly every galaxy.

Eve took a deep breath and spoke carefully as she said, "This human woman, in my opinion, both is and isn't the Commander."

The room thought about her words but said nothing as she continued, "Her scent is the same. I can see in her stance her personality. Her words are those of Shepard.

"But she is blank. She is new. Like a newborn child. I don't know if she even has the memories of her past because I don't know if this is the original Shepard. Where Ceberus had brought her back with her original body, I don't think this one was. I think this is a new body, with the Commander inside of it. It smells new. But I can sense the real Commander inside."

The shamans sat on her words for a while. Just as they were about to continue on with the discussion, there was a knock on the door.

"Enter," called the krogan in pink.

In came one of the older children, Wrestle.

"Forgive me, shamans," he said, "But there are some people here asking about the human."

The shamans turned to themselves. None had released anything about a possible Shepard return. Perhaps it really was a trap?

They quickly went to see who it was.

To Eve's surprise, the visitors were not some intergalactic police but rather a very angry pilot Jeff Joker Moreau and his AI girlfriend, EDI.

"What the hell do you mean, she never really died?!" Joker yelled.

"To use an analogy, she uploaded herself into Reaper computer programming and then eventually, their very DNA," EDI said.

"And you just so happen to know this, _how exactly?_ And why are you only telling me this _now?"_ Joker was very red in the face.

"I'm sorry for not informing you earlier, Jeff, but presently you might want to consider calming down as the shamans have arrived." EDI turned to Eve and the other shamans.

Eve looked to the AI.

"I was worried that somehow this was all some Reaper trap," said Eve, "but it seems you know more about what is happening here?"

EDI nodded and approached Eve. Joker saw Eve and seemed to get even more upset.

"And why didn't you tell me we were coming coincidentally where Eve happens to be?" he asked. He then turned to Eve, "Hey, Eve. Long time no see."

Eve acknowledged Joker with a nod before turning to EDI.

"EDI, then tell us what you know. Because as amazing as all this is, it does not seem to be something good."

"Understandable skepticism is expected," EDI said while looking to Eve's fellow shamans.

The shaman in orange stepped forward saying, "Then explain to us because I can only see a human or Reaper trick of some sort."

Joker let out a loud scoff as he grumbled, "If it's human, I'll be just as surprised as you."

EDI looked around the room. She made obvious glances at the few non-shaman krogan in the room.

"Perhaps there is a more secure location you would wish to discuss this?" she suggested.

"Do you not trust us, AI?" questioned the offended shaman in gold.

"I wouldn't trust _her,_ " Joker said through ground teeth.

EDI turned to Joker, "I'm sorry for not informing you earlier, Jeff. But this is an important matter." She attempted to reach for him but he turned away. Hurt, she pulled back her hand.

She continued, "This is an issue that is going to be hard enough to explain, and I wanted to make sure we arrived first."

"First?" asked the krogan in pink.

"Yes, said EDI. "I suggest that we move to a more secure room as I am sure that Jeff and I won't be the only ones who will come for Shepard. Also, the explanation is rather simple, but significantly dense and will take time." She slightly turned to Joker as she said, "Which is why I would prefer to explain this only once. Both for security reasons, but also the time it will take to explain it fully."

"I agree that security is a priority," said the shaman in green, "but we'll take the short version for now, AI."

"Understood," EDI said. And the group followed Eve back to the shaman meeting room.

Where before the shamans had been fighting for control of the conversation, each trying to voice their opinions, now they were all focused on EDI. Each waited on her words patiently. The only person not looking at EDI expectantly was Joker. Though he was listening and paying attention to what was happening, his brown eyes did not look up from the large table.

EDI began, "The late Commander Shepard did not die in the normal sense when she was on the Citadel. Instead, she chose to control the Reapers."

"That explains why the Reapers were not completely eradicated," said the shaman in green.

"Exactly," said EDI. "But it was not a virus or other form of generic programming hack as many organics theorized. The Commander became one with the Reapers and used her own body and mind as a form of programming control to impose her own will onto the Reapers."

At this Joker looked up. He did not look at EDI and his voice shook as he said, "Wait, she became the Reapers? Why?"

EDI raised her brows and looked at Joker.

"She did not do it lightly," EDI said mostly to Joker. "She did it because destroying the Reapers meant destroying all synthetics. This included people like her, the geth.. even me."

"So the Commander became… a program?" asked the shaman in orange.

EDI nodded and said, "Because of this, her body was not destroyed in the destruction of the Citadel because her body was not there. She had already put herself into the Reapers."

"That doesn't explain how she is back now," said the golden shaman.

"Yeah, _EDI,_ " snarled Joker. "It _doesn't."_

EDI did not react to Joker's obvious distaste for her explanation but instead continued on.

"Commander Shepard's will was rescripted for only specific goals when she gave up her physical form. It is why the Reapers have not regained their own sentience again. Her goals were narrow but powerful. 'Protect' and 'survive' were the major goals. Because they were so important to her, it became the main coding and is instilled so deep that even with certain technologies like me or the geth who recieved Reaper upgrades, know not only those certain goals set by the Commander but also, we all lived her last moments alive because it was so fresh in her mind."

"Which is why you know all of this?" asked the shaman in green.

"That is correct," EDI answered. "All technologies with Reaper programs became part of Commander Shepard. Her will was instilled into us."

Joker looked away from EDI.

"Why didn't you say anything?" he said in a low growl but the shamans did not notice. Instead, the krogan shaman in pink asked EDI another question.

"How is she back then? If she became a program?"

EDI's metallic face pulled back into a pleasant grin.

"That is why I am so pleased. 'Survive' in the program could have been taken merely in relation to the organics Shepard was trying to 'protect.' However, some of the geth took it in relation to Shepard. Which is where some ideas a fellow geth and I came up with an idea to possibly save her.

"The Reapers are made of organic and synthetic material. This geth and I had disussed the nature of photons in light and the possibilities of light and synthetic coding compatibility.

"The Reaper technology allowed for a combination of photonic, synthetic, and organic compability to help recreate the physical and mental form of Shepard. And with her in the physical world, I detected a lack of her constant organic will despite her coded will still within my Reaper upgrades."

The shamans and Joker were silent for a while, not taking in the joy emmitting from EDI.

Eventually though, EDI asked, "Where is the Commander? I did not see her as we approached in the Normandy"

At this, Joker looked up finally.

"Yeah, is she alright? Where is she? Did something happen?" he asked rapidly.

Eve raised a hand to silence him.

"She is safe," Eve assured Joker. She stood up. "Follow me."

Joker practically jumped to Eve as she made her way to the Commander. EDI walked behind the two. Both EDI and Joker were very excited to meet their long gone Commander.


	3. Chapter 3- The Wind

She was different. She was exactly the same. But she was so different. Joker watched the Commander wander around her old Captain's quarters. Her fish tank still had its normal coyfish swimming. Joker had EDI keep maintence on the tank while he kept up everything else.

Joker loved the Normandy. But after the Commander had died - again- he just could not bear to stay in the ship. Once was hard enough. But knowing Shepard was gone for a second time… Joker kept the Normandy. He just never flew it.

Seeing the Commander back in the ship made Joker in some ways feel whole again. In other ways, it made him feel sick. Here he was forcing the Commander to remember things she could not remember at all. And he was not sure if making her remember was the right thing. She had been through so much. And now… now there was nothing to weigh on her shoulders.

Instead she was new. She was fresh. Joker noticed the gentle way she walked. She stepped forward with her toes. Her weight swayed easily. She looked almost light. As if she were light. Then again, EDI did say that light is what brought the Commander back.

Shepard also touched everything now. She was like a child. She needed to feel things to help her understand. To help her know it was real. Because to her at least, everything was new. And she had so many things to see.

At the moment she was looking at the model ships that she had collected over the years. She was fascinated by them Joker could tell. But he could also see that she did not look at them as she once had. Before, they reminded her of her past; of her mistakes. It reminded her of what she had to learn. Now she looked at them with a newfound interest as she tried to tell the difference between them all and understand what made them unique. But the recognition was no longer there.

Joker wondered what of the old Shepard was even there now.

"What's this one called?" she asked him.

Joker snapped out of his trance.

"Oh that? That's a turian ship," he told her. He still felt like something was off but he could not help the smile that appeared on his face whenever she spoke. She spoke softer, gentler than before. She did not have the edge in her voice like before. But it was still her voice. And as sad as it made Joker that she was not the same Shepard that he remembered, just being able to look into her dark brown eyes again again made him feel warm inside.

"Turian?" she asked again to confirm.

Joker nodded.

"Yeah, you did not always get along with their leaders but you did admire their military tactics and ships."

Shepard nodded. "Oh."

"Actually," Joker motioned around them, "the Normandy was built with their help!" Shepard smiled.

"Really?"

Joker walked over to her side and leaned against her desk.

"Yeah," he said as he looked at the model ship. "It was an unbelievable accomplishment. Turians and humans had a lot of bad blood between our us. But this ship is just a giant testament to the great things that can happen when people work together."

Shepard nodded and looked at the ship.

"So you really like the Normady?" she asked.

Joker chuckled.

"Yeah. This place," he looked around the room, "it's like my home."

Shepard smiled. "That's good then, right?" She walked over to the fish tank. "I mean, I don't remember where my home was but… 'home' means something right?" she looked to the fish swimming in the blue tank. Her dark eyes reflected the red from the swimming life in front of her.

"Home…" she said again to herself. Joker watched her get lost in the motions of the fish in front of her. She seemed captivated by their movements and she followed them in a way that made her seem almost ethereal. She seemed like she was not really there with him.

Joker felt his communicator vibrate. He did not know who it was but he could guess it was EDI. Joker really was not in the mood to talk to her still. Besides, he could only imagine it was her alerting him of the time. He normally had his visit with Dr. Chalkwas in an hour. Joker figured EDI could reschedule for him. Or he would just go late. He just was not in the mood to be near EDI. Nor anyone else. He had Shepard back. And he was going to enjoy her for as long as he could.

"So, you want to go check out your old command station?" he offered.

Shepard blinked and turned to him as she returned back from her thoughts.

"Sure," she said with a smile.

The two went to the command board.

Joker walks her up the steps and guided her hands to the sides.

"This is where you would tell me to go places," he told her. He pointed to the space in front of her. She looked. And with her attention there he turned the map on.

The lights of the universe lit up and Shepard's eyes lit up with it.

"Wow," she breathed. "Where did we go?"

Joker grinned. "Anywhere in the galaxies."

She took in a deep breath and looked around the map. Her shoulders fell back and she stood tall. And in that moment, she looked as she once had. She was strong, unyielding. She was the Commander Shepard.

Joker felt another buzz from his pocket. He chose to ignore it still. Now he was sure that it was EDI and he was still not in the mood to see her. Not when he had the Commander back.

But she was there for a time that was all too short. And Joker watched helplessly as she disappeared right before his eyes. And what was worse, she fell because of him.

As her gaze traveled the map, it eventually ended up looking straight ahead. Straight to the cockpit. The light in her eyes faded as an unsettled expression set in her face. Joker looked to her in confusion.

"What's up, Commander?" he asked. She pointed ahead.

"What's over there?" she questioned. He looked to where her hand pointed.

"The cockpit?" he said as she started to head over to it. He followed her.

She entered the cockpit slowly. And she approached his seat. Joker stayed behind at the entrance and watched her carefully.

"The… cockpit?" she repeated. But instead of interest on her lips, it was almost distress. Joker did not know why she would be.

"Commander?"

She looked to his old chair.

"This was you," she said as her fingers ran across the leather. "Right?" she looked at him with eyes that were on the brink of tears.

Joker took a few steps inside.

"Well, yeah I was here a lot. Comes with being the best pilot ever."

She looked to his old chair.

"Jeff 'Joker' Moreau," she said in a low voice. "You never used to smile…"

Joker felt his heart soar. "Wait, you remember?" he said excited.

But his excitement was short lived as he watched her chest heave and her eyes drop a tear.

"No- I- I don't," Shepard grabbed at her hair. "Joker, I feel, fuzzy." She looked at him in fear. "I don't like it."

Joker stepped closer to her slowly.

"Commander?"

And he watched as her skin started to emit a soft glow around her. And her iris paled from its normal beautiful dark brown to a glowing cold blue. She grabbed at her hair frantically. And for a moment, Joker watched in horror as for a split second, she blinked out of sight.

* * *

 **My sister wrote this while I got my hair done which is why the update is so soon. But this is just because she can't do anything else while my mom keeps us stuck in the room.**


	4. Chapter 4- The Fix

Ch. 4

It was for only the briefest of seconds. It was just for a moment. She was gone. In that moment Joker felt his heart stop.

Then she flickered back and continued to flicker. It was as if she were a light, struggling to stay on.

Joker did not know what to do. He watched helplessly as Commander Shepard seemed to struggle between staying in reality, and wherever she was before.

Joker did not know what was happening, but he was not about to let her leave again. He limped over to her in the quickest strides he could manage and reached out to her. He just wanted to keep her there. Steady. In his own hands.

Bt when he touched her, he regretted it immediately. His hand grasped at her shoulder and with his touch, her shoulder broke apart into light and dispersed into the air like dust in the wind.

"Ahh!" Joker screamed as he instantly pulled his hand back. He looked to the Commander's face. She did not seem to be scared, just sick. Her face scrunched in a manner that broke Joker's heart. She seemed so different than the old Shepard. She was not blowing off her feelings. She was not locking them up as before. She was experiencing every uncomfortable, awful feeling and Joker could not help her with it.

He looked to where her shoulder used to be. The skin faded from her normal brown to a bright golden yellow towards the broken edges where her shoulder used to be. Particles drifted around it as the rest of her body stopped flickering. Joker took a breath and held it.

For a moment, the Commander stayed perfectly still. Joker wanted to go to her to make sure she was okay. But looking at her falling apart shoulder, Joker stepped back again. He did not want to risk breaking all of her. He did not want to risk sending her back to wherever it was she had been the past few he just watched. He watched her as she stood still.

Eventually, the Commander let go of her hair and stood up straight. She then turned to Joker and looked at him like she had… like she had just seen him in years.

"Joker?" she said with newfound recognition.

Joker felt his throat get hot.

"Commander?" he said. He had to fight to make sure his voice.

A beautiful smile spread across the Commander's face.

"Joker!" she said laughing. She walked towards him. Joker wanted to hug her but he saw her shoulder and instead stepped away from her.

She narrowed her eyebrows in confusion.

Joker coughed, "I'm sorry, Commander but I- ugh. Well, your- your um." He stared at her shoulder pointedly. She followed his eyes to and saw it. Her shoulder, bright and glowing almost gone and floating in the air.

"Well," Shepard said. "That's new."

Joker laughed, "Heh, yeah. Umm, I'm not sure exactly as to what I'm supposed to do here, Commander. I mean, that's freaky right?"

Shepard looked to him with an awkward smile.

"Yeah, it's definitely not something I remember being my copy of ' _So You're Back From the Dead?'_ " she joked.

Shepard reached over to touch her empty space of a shoulder when she felt a tingling sensation. She stopped her hand.

Joker and Shepard watched then as more bright glowing particles started to escape from inside of Shepard out through her shoulder's hole. Shepard's and Joker's eyes widened as they witnessed Shepard's particles compact together, glow brightly and then fade to reveal Shepard's newly made shoulder.

The two stared at her shoulder for a few moments before Joker eventually said, "Well, this is out of my expertise area."

The Commander gave him a pointed look.

"What?" Joker said with a shrug.

Rolling her eyes, Shepard opened her arms.

"Get your crippled ass over here, Pilot Moreau," she said.

Joker gave her a look over before deciding it was safe. He then went to her and gave her a good, long hug.

And it felt so right knowing she was there. That she was solid. And that at least for now, she was not going anywhere.

When Joker pulled back, Shepard could see the makings of tears in his eyes but he held them back. Instead, he gave her a snarky reply.

"Really, Commander? I may have brittle bones but you literally fell apart at my touch. Either I've buffed up a lot more than I thought at Dr. Chakwas therapy, or you need some serious handicap parking."

Shepard gave a soft smile.

"It's good to see you too, Joker."

Joker scratched the back of his neck.

"Yeah well," he turned around, "we actually should get to the Doc. Because that definitely wasn't right." He then started to make his way to the airlock.

Shepard looked around the cockpit. It was strange. She had just taken a tour of the Normandy and yet, it seemed like only now was she truly seeing it. She could remember walking in and asking Joker about his thoughts on previous missions; or the squad members. She could remember the difference between EDI being a small projection in the left to a physical body on the right as she and Joker had fun flying Shepard wherever she needed. She could smell Joker in the room. It was a part of him.

And now she could remember it.

* * *

"Well, there's no sign of any of that light and such now."

"Doc, I'm telling you. It was all kinds of weird."

"Impressive as your medical diagnosis is, Joker, I'm telling you right now, I saw nothing out of the ordinary." At that, Dr. Chakwas blinked and then laughed.

The Medical Research Center was where the doctor worked now. She was currently working on some research into large scale scar removal for different species. Before she was busy being a temporary surgeon, which was something she had not done properly in years. Sure sometimes Commander Shepard would come back from a particularly nasty mission but it was always emergency surgery and she had limited resources. Then she had time to prepare for the best and least invasive options. It was fun in some ways but it was not where her heart was. So she went back to research where she felt like she could help more people on a mass scale.

But when Joker came back with Commander Shepard now, it was like.. it was like she felt her calling again. It was odd to see the Commander after so much time even though it had happened before. Dr. Chakwas figured it must have been something no one ever really should or could get used to. Death-defying was not a norm even if Commander Shepard insisted on doing it. Seeing Commander Shepard do it again just made Dr. Chakwas feel… relieved. In all the bad that existed in the galaxy, she could somehow rely on Commander Shepard to make things seem like there was always light somewhere. Well, now that analogy seemed silly to use though after Dr. Chakwas heard Joker's story about Commander Shepard light up and have her body turn into light. She supposed it was an amazing tale. But somehow, Dr. Chakwas felt like Commander Shepard was still the same. Even if she was not the same technically, Dr. Chakwas could feel it. Which was always something she enjoyed. While being a doctor meant she liked things being tangible and documented, she still liked her gut feelings. And her gut was telling her things would work out for Commander Shepard.

"Of course that's aside from the normal strangeness of you not being dead." Dr. Chakwas then looked at Shepard over once more. Dr. Chakwas did not imagine ever seeing the Commander again yet here she was. And she seemed better than ever.

The Doctor supposed that was just Commander Shepard.

Shepard shrugged.

"Happens," Shepard said. She leaned back on her arms. "So is there anything in particular that I should know?"

Dr. Chakwas inputted some notes into her omni-tool. She gave a slightly confused look.

"Well, Commander," Dr. Chakwas started, "your scans do show something. The old inserts given to you from Cerberus are gone."

Joker made a slight frown.

"What? So she isn't part synthetic like before?"

Dr. Chakwas turned to Joker and put down her omni-tool.

"Not from what I can tell," she said. "In fact, she seems perfectly fine. No scars anywhere for one thing, but also no signs of wear."

Dr. Chakwas made a thoughtful look. "In fact," she continued, "I haven't seen such perfect scans since Grunt."

Joker made a face. "Grunt? What like the Commander was _made?_ "

Dr. Chakwas nodded. "Indeed."

Shepard looked at the two.

"So is that bad?" she asked.

Dr. Chakwas and Joker stared at her.

"Um, Commander," Joker said with a slight wave of his hand. "Hello, it's me. Joker?"

Shepard rolled her eyes and sacastically stated, "I know who you are, Joker."

Joker shrugged. "Just checking."

Dr. Chakwas asked the Commander, "I thought you said you remembered things now?"

Shepard shook her head.

"Not really. I remember Joker. Even you. But only partially." She stood up. "I only remember things through Joker. Joker knew you. I know that. But I don't remember you outside of Joker really. Or anything else for that matter."

"Hmm." Dr. Chakwas put more notes into her omni-tool.

"Well there's nothing wrong with you physically. Aside from a slightly elevated level of brain activity, you seem fine."  
Shepard gave the Doctor a concerned look. "What? Isn't _that_ bad?"

Dr. Chakwas gave the Commander an assuring look and said, "No Shaphard. It makes complete sense. You're learning new things every second from what you tell me. All I can tell you is get some rest. This can all be mentally exhausting."

Then there was a small _bing!_ sounding from Dr. Chakwas' omni-tool. Dr. Chakwas opened the call.

EDI appeared in the hologram.

"EDI? What's wrong?" Dr. Chakwas asked. "You rarely call me directly."

EDI replied, "I'm sorry if I interrupted, Doctor. However I think this is important and Joker was not answering my earlier communication attempts." At this Joker gave a slight blush.

"What is it EDI?" Dr. Chakwas asked, ignoring the jab at Joker.

"I wanted to inform Commander Shepard that she has a visitor that I think she should see if she's up for it."

Dr. Chakwas thanked EDI then shut off the omni-tool.

"Well," she said, "There's nothing holding you back. And I doubt EDI would request you for just anyone. Besides," the Doctor opened the door to them to leave, "When you remember me, we'll catch up."

* * *

 **And so my sister says something along the lines of _"it's still fun so i update_ " instead of just holding out so later her updates will be regular. I say R and R so she doesn't think she can suddenly get lazy. **


	5. Chapter 5- Joker's Lament

"Shepard? Is it really you?"

Shepard looked to the side and gave a sheepish shrug.

"Well," Shepard started. "Kind of?"

But then, two thin arms quickly embraced the Commander in a tight hug.

"I can't believe it!"

Shepard stood still, not wanting to shake off the tiny woman. At the same time though, Shepard felt very uncomfortable returning a hug of the same enthusiasm to someone she did not know. Or at least, did not know anymore.

The small woman pulled back. Shepard was unable to see the woman's face but Shepard could feel the woman beaming at Shepard through her suit. In some ways, Shepard found it endearing. In others, she still felt awkward.

"Hold on, Tali," Joker said. "I'm guessing EDI didn't completely fill you in?"

He motioned for Tali to step back, and she did so though clearly confused.

"Fill me in on what?"

"The Commander's missing brain cells," Joker said as if it were no big deal.

Tali swerved to EDI. "What?!"

EDI shook her head, "I apologize, Tali. Joker's comment is not entirely accurate."

"Then what _would_ be more accurate?" Tali said with a harsh edge to her voice.

"The Commander seems to be missing parts of her memory. However the extent and nature of her amnesia is unknown."

"Other than it's way freaky when she DOES remember!" Joker interjected.

Tali gave Joker a questioning look.

"Wait, she doesn't remember anything? And what do you mean, 'freaky?'"

Joker shrugged. "I dunno how to explain it. All I know is that I nearly had a heart attack myself watching her finally remember me."

Tali looked back to Shepard.

"So," Tali stepped towards her old Commander slowly, "you don't remember me at all?"

Shepard shook her head. "Sorry, I don't."

Tali took a breath. "Oh."

Tali looked down for a moment and seemed to be deep in thought. But she quickly recovered and then swung her hands to her front and gave a loud clap.

"Well, I'll just have to make you remember me!" her eyes gleamed in excitement. "I'll figure this out, Shepard."

Joker leaned back, "Well, that's nice. But how do you plan on doing that exactly, Tali?"

Tali looked to her omni-tool and began to scan the Commander.

"Joker," Tali started, "how exactly did you think I knew that Shepard was back?"

A confused expression spread across Joker's face. "What? You mean," he looked to EDI then back to Tali, "EDI didn't tell you?"

Tali shook her head. "No, she didn't." Tali finished scanning the Commander and started looking over her newly acquired data. "I knew because of a report given to me by a Geth."

Joker frowned. "How did a Geth know the Commander was back?"

Tali shrugged. "I don't know. It spent more time trying to explain to me that she was back at all. It was…" Tali took a deep breath, " _difficult_ to believe."

At this EDI said, "Tali, I'm sure you have noticed some differences in your technology that had received Reaper technological upgrades?"

Tali appeared confused. "Different is...not the word I would have used." She turned to EDI. "Other than the Geth, all things with Reaper tech upgrades shut down and as far as I know, have not been capable of being operational no matter what we do to reboot." Tali held up her omni-tool. "This omni-tool is my back up. Normally, I don't use it because I designed another with Reaper upgrades that made that other omni-tool far superior."

Joker looked to EDI concerned. "EDI, did you know about this? Are you okay?"

EDI nodded. "I am fine, Joker." She furrowed her brows. "But this does concern me." She seemed to be processing things in her mind for a moment. Then she said, "I am just disturbed that there was no indication in my systems of such a negative effect."

Tali opened her omni-tool. "Reports seemed to have started about 5 days ago of glitches in Reaper upgraded technology. But it wasn't until about 2 days ago that all functions completely ceased."

Turning it back off she said, "And let me tell you, it has a nightmare. The glitches were bad enough with the inconvenience of machines stopping or having disruptions in function. But now that they have stopped, people have started to panic. They are worried that the Reapers have started up with the intent to destroy organics again."

"Well that's ridiculous. I wouldn't let that happen," Shepard crossed her arms and frowned.

Tali laughed. "I know, Shepard. I didn't mean it as an attack on you. I'm just saying that my life as an Admiral has just gotten a lot more tedious."

"Well this can't be a coincidence," Joker said. "I mean, the Commander's back and suddenly Reaper tech goes haywire? I just don't get what it could all mean. Any ideas, EDI?"

EDI shook her head. "No. I had the help of the Geth and we ran the possible outcomes, there was no indication of Reaper shutdowns once we brought the Commander back."

Tali gasped. "Wait, you're saying, _you_ brought her back?"

Joker waved Tali off, "It's a long story but basically yeah. And I'm sure EDI will be more than happy to explain all the technical aspects of it."

"Ok, then," Tali said unsure, "But give me a jist for right now."

Joker pulled a face. "Blah, blah; Shepard became a program. Blah, blah; she was light. Blah, blah; EDI made her from light."

They could not see Tali's face, but it was clear that she was more confused.

"What? That just made things more weird!"

Joker shrugged innocently, "I said it was a long story!"

Tali let out a long sigh. "Alright, I'm going to go out with EDI for a very long, very detailed discussion on the processes of bringing people back to life." She paused for a moment before adding on, "And perhaps I'll send out an email to Miranda. Seems we have a lot of people who know how to bring you back, Shepard."

The confused look on Shepard's face earned her a quick, "I'll tell you who she is later," from Joker.

Tali smacked the side of her. "Gosh, I'm so sorry, Shepard. I'm horrible at this. Alright, I'm going now. Joker, you should let her settle more. I bet all of this is a lot at once."

Joker nodded as EDI was stolen away by Tali.

Right before they left, Tali turned back and ran to Shepard and gave her another huge and tight hug.

Shepard stood awkward again, not sure what to do. But this hug was much shorter and when Tali let Shepard go, she lingered only for a moment.

"Sorry, Shepard. I know this must be awkward for you but," Tali took a deep shaky breath as she tried to control the tears that threatened to fall and her voice that held a promise of breaking. "But, I just really missed you."

Shepard gave Tali an awkward smile.

With a shrug, Shepard said, "If it makes you feel better, me without my memories finds you very nice." Shepard paused and considered for a moment before adding, :And very cute."

Tali gave a nervous giggle. "Oh, um, thanks, Shepard." She turned back to leave. "That really does make me feel good."

And with that, she and EDI left.

Joker and Shepard stayed in the room in silence for a moment. Joker watched as Shepard considered what just happened.

Eventually Shepard asked, "Was it that hard for you?"

Joker considered avoiding the question. It was a simple question yet the answer was a can of worms with the worms being all his feelings. And that was just always uncomfortable. But he eventually decided that it was a conversation that was bound to happen anyway.

Giving in, Joker nodded. "Yeah, not having you remember felt like someone stabbed me."

Shepard sat on his words for a few moments. "I didn't mean to," she eventually said.

Joker let out a deep chuckle. "Yeah, I know, Commander. It's just- well. Ah, crap. I suck at this kind of shit." He rubbed at the back of his neck.

It was strange. It was such a small thing, yet that small action reminded Shepard of so many memories of him doing it. It was nostalgic in some ways and Shepard did not know why. She was dead before then. Time had not passed for her. Yet, here she was feeling a pain of time in her heart.

She had missed Joker.

"Well, Commander, I just- it's like," Joker stumbled over his next few words before taking a deep breath and then considering his next few words carefully. "It's like we all hurt bad the first time you died. I mean, for me at least, you died right in fucking front of me."

" _Ah! Watch the ARM."_

 _She struggles to get him to an escape pod. She considers how strong she is and wonders if just hauling him over her shoulder would be a good idea. But they manage to get to the escape pod. Something explodes. She falls back. But she needs to send him off._

" _Commander!" She reached out to punch the button and the door slams shut._

 _Joker's was the last voice she heard._

The flashback was intense for Shepard. She remembered feeling the relief from knowing that Joker was safe. Only to be quickly replaced with an overwhelming fear as she felt her air leave her suit.

 _Shepard's arms lift over her head clawing at the back of her suit. Her skin can sense the pressure being relieved in her suit. Her fingers can feel the air blow past them as she claws at her back. It is futile. Nothing she does helps. She cannot reach. She cannot feel where the hole is._

 _She cannot BREATHE._

Shepard unconsciously took a deep breath, grateful that she could. And she shut off her mind. She had not remembered dying. And she was not ready to. Not for either time.

Joker stretched his mouth out to relieve the tension that was building in his jaw. "And when we were hurting," he continued, "we moved on in ways that made us almost, forget you. Not in a way to like, move on away from you, but, enough to just, not be consumed by it. And having a huge fucking alien tech super race out to destroy us all served as a pretty decent distraction.

"Then you came back and I know I played it off, but, you weren't there the weeks it took Cerberus to get me off their dick because I was riding them _hard_. I already had to deal with losing you and them making a promise to bring you back... I just-" Joker looked down. "I didn't like the idea of them shitting me." He looked back up to Shepard and while he was looking at her, he was not looking at her as a being, but at her body. He then added, "I also didn't like the idea of them fucking up with your body." He let out a heavy sigh. "I was so fucked up. Did I let them bring you back? I wanted you back so bad. You and I went through everything with Saren and Sovereign together. Lost Williams. Nearly lost each other. I just didn't want to give up when they were offering a chance for you to be back.

"On the other hand, you could have come back all fucked up. Eight arms, psycho personality, part varren, who the fuck knows? You fought for humanity. I didn't want a zombie back. And what if they couldn't do it? I mean, it was fucking insane to even consider. I mean, granted, they weren't asking me. They didn't give a shit about my opinion, but like, I wasn't about to care." He gave a nervous chuckle, "I considered crashing many a Cerberus ship into your lab."

Shepard raised a brow. "Wouldn't that kill you too?"

Joker shrugged it off. "At that point, I really was just more pissed at the idea of them invading you like that. Probing you. It was too 1980s alien flick for me. And it killed me knowing that it could just, fuck up so bad."

Shepard nodded understandingly. She never really talked to him about it. At least, she did not think so. She could mostly remember her times with Joker. But she could not be sure. It felt like it.

"Anyway. It worked out," Joker said. "You came back. And I was so grateful. And I was worried at first because you kind of seemed like you wanted to die again. That suicide mission was ridiculous. And we picked up ridiculously dangerous people. I wasn't sure what to do other than just hope you knew what you were doing.

"And it worked. You brought everyone of us back. I was sure we would loose at least half the crew, maybe half of the team. At least. I could only imagine what could have happened if they died. What it would have… done to you.

"But it didn't matter because you came back and I was sure that somehow it was a sign. The politicians could take my plane. Put you on house arrest. Didn't matter. You're a fucking fighter. And that's what mattered. But then… I still don't know what happened on the Citadel. I just knew that I searched high and low on the damn thing and when I saw Anderson, I was sure I was going to find your body right next to his. But I didn't."

Shepard made some notes of things she would have to reflect on later. Suicide Mission? Anderson? So many things were drawing blanks. But she did not want to ask Joker. Not right now, and she also was not sure if she wanted to remember things in front of him again. It seemed to really mess him up. Granted, it scared her too but, she felt it was unfair to do that to him.

"I dunno, I guess, I wasn't sure what to do after that." Joker's voice had a hard almost annoyed edge to it now. "I mean, I couldn't find you anywhere. No trace of what happened. Was that good? Bad? Horrible? I had nothing. There was no way to get anything. And every attempt ended up with me having nothing." Now his voice openly had anger in it.

"And damn it! I had to let you go AGAIN and I-" Joker blinked back tears. "I just-" His voice was breaking. His skin had a flush of red to it. And it broke Shepard's heart.

"When EDI said you were back- She told me… I MEAN- She didn't say anything but then one day, out of the goddamned blue she comes and says the you're-"

Joker stopped. A hand slid around his shoulder. It was so small looking. He wondered how such small hands could have ever held a gun. He did not want to look to his side. Instead, he just let her arm pull him in to her side as her other hand moved to his shoulder between them and she rubbed it.

"Shh, shh," Shepard said. Joker's throat burned. He tried to choke it back as best he could. He was not ready to have told Shepard all this. It was a lot. She probably did not even understand everything he was talking about. It was not fair. She was blank. A new clean slate. And he was dumping everything on her. But she was still her. She was still someone who had his back. It was in her nature. And he had missed her so much.

"Shiiiiiit," Joker hissed. A tear managed to escape. He made sure not to look at his Commander. Because, it was so unprofessional. Not that he ever cared but still. She was his Commander. She always would be his Commander. And she was the person he had needed these last few years. Now she was here, by his side. He was angry. He was pissed. He was annoyed. He was tired.

And he was so happy to have her back.

* * *

 **So my sister was gone to Hawaii (without me) and that's why no update. But she made this a bit longer and yeah. She is also now in California (also without me) and says that her work shouldn't affect her updating weekly. We'll see but whatever.**


	6. Chapter 6- Hatred Incarnate

"Look, I'm tellin ya, Liara said she's back."

"I'm not in the mood for pranks, right now. Thanks though."

"For fuck's sake, you goddamn nitwit, I'm telling you that Liara spoke as the goddamn Shadowbroker and told me that she's back."

The person on the floor at Zaeed's feet just rolled over the other way. He then gave Zaeed a nonchalant wave off of the hand.

Zaeed's eyes narrowed and flashed in anger. His nostrils flared and his jaw was shut down hard. He took a deep breath in, forcing himself to calm down. Zaeed understood to a degree his reluctance to believe. It was insane. But Zaeed did not have a lot of patience to begin with. He certainly did not have the patience to debate with a drunk.

"Jesus, hell," Zaeed had to keep himself from kicking the lump of a shadow of a man from up off the floor. "Get up off your arse."

The figure on the floor rolled up. His head swung from side to side and he scratched his neck. "Your joke's ran long enough, okay?" He looked out the broken window in the corner of the room. "I know Liara doesn't give a damn."

Zaeed normally felt so short next to him but now, as he sat on the ground, eyes bloodshot, and incapable of keeping balance, Zaeed was not just standing tall, but he could not help but look down on him.

A low grumble came from the man on the floor. "So why did you come here, really? New job?"

Zaeed gave a face of disbelief. "Seriously? You think I'd joke about something like this? Me? Of all people?"

The person on the floor shrugged. He reached over to his side and pulled a random square bottle up to his nose. With a deep sniff, and a face of disgust from whatever swirled at the bottom, he still took a swing of the remaining liquor.

Zaeed groaned. His eyes rolled and his nose could not help but turn up. "D'you even know what the hell was in there?"

A gurgle came from man on the floor. "Hell if I know. From the ache in my stomach though, I think it was some type of human whiskey."

Zaeed's lip curled. "What the ever-loving- _fuck?_ Are you trying ta goddamn kill yourself?"

No answer. Instead the man on the floor just tossed the bottle to the wall opposite of him and let it crack. A few shards of glass broke off but he did not seem bothered. Pissed from the silence and lack of interest coming from his former teammate on the floor, Zaeed grabbed his gun and whirled around the other way.

"AAARRGHHH!" he hollered at the wall as he fired off his submachine at the wall. Multiple holes darted across the cemented walls. Dust filled the dank, liquor reeked air. And the sounds of each bullet fell on the deaf ears of the owner of the apartment.

Eventually, after Zaeed felt he had properly damaged the wall, he put his gun away.

"I don't have time for this shit," he grouched as he made his way to the door with heavy steps. He did not know what else to do. He did not know why Liara would ask him to come. Him of all people. Zaeed was not the kind to pick someone up onto their feet. He knocked people over! He pushed them down! This was not his kind of thing. Even if he wanted it to be. Even if seeing him on the floor killed Zaeed, it was not someting he could make better. Even if he saw how each kill killed him on the inside, Zaeed was not the person to offer clarity. Hell, it was Zaeed's fault that he was even doing mercenary work to begin with.

" _I want to do something with my hands, Zaeed. I need this."_

" _Look, I dunno. Aren't you some bigshot on Palaven right now?"_

" _Palaven is fine. It's rebuilt the important things and things are starting to normalize. But I'm, I'm going stir crazy. And in my free time, all I do is look over the recovered Citadel data. I can't- I need this, Zaeed. Just help me out."_

 _Zaeed looked the turian over. And he could tell that he was not lying. His eyes were heavy and dark from what looked like a lack of sleep. His shoulders seemed to have the weight of a world on them. And if the rumors were true, for the last 2 years, the turian did. Palaven needed a leader and the whole species had turned to him. Zaeed saw it happen with some other members of the old Normandy team. Liara was asked to restructure the schooling systems for the Asari. Wrex was already a leader amongst the Krogan but even Grunt was now being pulled into politics. Zaeed, Kasumi, even Samara were lucky to avoid all that. Zaeed could only imagine the annoyance he would have to deal with while trying to do politics and defend his Cerberus and mercenary past. But Zaeed was not an ex- "Archangel." Zaeed did not have people counting on him._

 _But it was not Archangel asking for Zaeed's help right now. Zaeed did not know this turian. He was tired. He was desperate. And in the back of his exhausted eyes, Zaeed could have sworn that he saw… anger._

Zaeed reached out and raised his omni-tool in a swift motion. He was going to press the code to exit but as his finger hovered over his omni-tool he heard the pop of a bottle followed by the hollow echo of a cap dart against a wall.

Zaeed let out a sigh.

"Goddamn shit."

With a roll of his eyes, he opened a different section of his omni-tool. His face scrunched into a frown as he waited for the other line to answer his call.

Eventually the screen opened to a tired-but-concerned-looking Asari.

"Zaeed?" asked Liara as she tried to analyze his background. "What's the matter?"

Zaeed grumbled something under his breath.

"What? Are you experiencing interference?"

Zaeed growled. "No! I said I'm goddamned confused as to why the fuck I'm here!."

"Oh," Liara looked down. "I thought I had explained before."

Zaeed stomped his foot. "No! I don't get why I'm here, Liara! I mean, _shit!_ Isn't this more your area of expertise? Or what about someone else like, Joker? Hell, I'd take that AI EDI over this! I mean, doesn't he listen to them?"

Liara looked back to Zaeed's eyes. "No," she told him frankly. "Not really." She ran her fingers across her fringe. "Look, Zaeed. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but he really respects you. And he doesn't really have many friends."

Zaeed's lip turned out to a childish pout. "What about you?"

Liara closed her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "While I'd consider us friends, I don't think the feeling is mutual." She looked away again. "I also don't think he'd want to see me after _last time._ "

Zaeed mentally slapped his head. He then cursed out a low, " _Fuuuuuuuck."_

Liara nodded. "You forgot?"

Zaeed rubbed his neck. "Hell, well, I was a bit busy. And I mean, I wasn't there or nothing. I just, heard the aftermath."

Liara nodded in acknowledgment but kept her eyes away from him.

"Hey!"

Zaeed felt a clench in his stomach. "Damn," he whispered. He really had forgotten. He was so caught up in himself, he did not consider eavesdropping being a negative thing.

The person stumbled up to his feet and started to take wobbled, hurried steps in Zaeed's direction.

"Is that _Liara?"_

With a quick motion, Zaeed shut the call off and Liara disappeared from the screen. Just a he did, he quickly adjusted to catch the turian toppling into him.

"Easy, mate," Zaeed said. He held the blue marked turian by the center of his armor.

Unfazed, the turian asked again more desperately, "Was that Liara?"

Zaeed knew this conversation could go poorly very quickly. So instead, he tried to force it to go the way he wanted.

"Dunno." He dropped the unbalanced drunk onto the floor as if unconcerned with his well being. "Maybe if you left this piss-hole of an apartment, you could find out."

"You got a job?"

"NO!" Zaeed groaned. "Dammit, just come with me, you _motherfucker!_ Get your _goddamned arse_ to Shepard!"

Staggering to his feet the turian gurgled weakly, "Get out."

"What?" Zaeed said with disbelief.

Then he saw it. The eyes he had not seen since the last time he was on a mission with him.

" _Well this guys a real peach, aye?" Zaeed started to set the bomb on the door. The mark was on the other end, and Zaeed was in no mood for hacking._

 _But there was no reply from his partner. And he had been very taciturn for the last few missions too. Zaeed looked at his partner confused._

 _They back up and the bomb went off, taking the door with it. The smoke cleared and Zaeed had a clear view of the mark._

" _Oi," Zaeed said as he lined up his gun in a clear way that showed the mark that Zaeed was not in the mood to play. "You know why we're here?"_

 _Despite being clearly terrified, the mark shakily shrieked, "You'll never stop us!"_

 _Zaeed sighed and was prepared to start the normal interrogation routine when suddenly the mark had a bullet in the center of his forehead._

" _What the-?" he turned to his partner to see a smoking pistol in his partner's hand._

" _What was that for?" Zaeed said. The mark did not have to die. And keeping him alive would have made the whole fingerprint security easier._

 _Without answering, his partner holstered his pistol. He walked over to the mark and knelt down._

" _What are we supposed to do with the bio-protections on the safe?" Zaeed asked annoyed. He supposed they could pull prints and composite DNA but it was kind of a hassle._

 _But then, he watched in horror as his partner pulled out a knife and lift the deceased mark's arm._

" _Woah, what are you-" and then Zaeed watched in horror as his partner began to saw through the mark's wrist. Blood gushed everywhere and splattered all over his boots. Zaeed did not say anything though. The moves were deliberate. Cold. Unfeeling. And once his partner reached a certain point in bone he then pulled out his omni-blade and swiftly put off the mark's hand._

 _Zaeed stood back as his partner picked up the detached hand and dropped the mark to the floor. And for a moment, Zaeed could see his partner's face and Zaeed felt his stomach drop._

 _That was not his partner. The shadows under the eyes were intense. The frown on his jaw seemed permanent. It was more than irritation as some annoying mission. It was more annoyance than the mark deserved. That face, was anger and hate incarnate._

 _Zaeed wondered if he made a right decision partnering up when he did._

As Zaeed looked at his ex-partner now, and saw the face appear so easily as if it was nature, Zaeed knew. He knew he made a mistake.

"GET OUT!" roared the turian. He shoved Zaeed against the door.

Zaeed threw a punch, but even drunk, he was fast. Even lost he was good. Even destroyed, he was a survivor.

And as Zaeed left, he wondered exactly how he was supposed to help someone who gave all his life to helping others. He wondered how the hell anyone was supposed to save Garrus Vakarian.

* * *

 **Ya'll get a quick update because my sister got a new review and she was hella pleased.**

 **She also says that it was fun bringing in Zaeed because he's the most adorable messed up moron she's ever seen. So it'd be awesome watching him cry over responsibility. She's Satan. Whatever.**

 **But yeah. She reacts very easy. R and R and she'll write more because... pride.**


	7. Chapter 7- Archendome Party

"That is absolutely perfect, Miss."

"Oh, I agree. This is your perfect color."

Shepard looked at herself in the mirror. She was wearing a deep blue, tiny dress that shimmered in the light. It had had layer upon layer of ruffles with a white ruffle at the end under her big hooped skirt.

Shepard did not hate the color. In fact, it made her feel… something. She was not sure what. Something certainly felt wrong about the color, but she also wanted to look at it more.

"Really?" Shepard asked the Asari store assistant. She waddled herself around to face Joker who was sitting down in the waiting area with his hand covering his mouth.

Shepard moved the dress around. "What do you think, Joker? Is this my style?"

Joker tried his best not to laugh. "Oh, umm, well," he breathed heavily through his nose in an attempt not to chuckle. "It's not your usual taste."

Shepard did not understand what was so funny. "Oh? I don't like the dress, but the color is… pretty, I think."

Joker hid even more of his face as he said, "Yes, Commander. It's- um- very pretty."

The Commander looked confused. "Oh," she said. "Should I get something else?"

Joker pursed his lips and shook his head. "Mmm nmmmn." He forced himself to have a straight face. The strain was clear in his tight lips as he attempted not to smile by overcompensating with a frown. "How about I choose some things for you, Commander?"

The two assistants looked to each other.

One of the Asari assistants was bold enough to ask, "She's your commander? Not, girlfriend?"

At that Joker openly laughed. "No, no. I'm not dating her. Too much excitement and too much like incest, thanks."

Shepard looked back to the dress. She did _not_ like it. But the color. A shade of blue so soft that she felt like even though it was just a color, that it could be hurt. But it was a sweet color. A gentle color. It reminded her of something. The color felt open and free yet… so sad.

She wanted to buy the color more than the dress.

The two Asari looked to another almost more confused.

"Well," said the shorter Asari, "It'd really be a pity if you left without the dress. Of course, if you want to buy other things, that'd be fine, but, the dress does look great on her."

With a disbelieving scoff Joker said, "Umm, sure. It just isn't her. But I got this."

Joker stood up and began to make his way back to the rest of the store. He began choosing things like cargo capris, classic tennis shoes and zipper hoodies. And Shepard could see the array of reds, blacks and grays that he was choosing and felt more comfortable with the idea of those clothes, and yet, she really liked the color of the dress she was wearing.  
But she let it go. She slipped out of the dress and put on an outfit given to her from Joker. As she looked at herself, she felt much better. She did not know why she liked it so much. She just did. She felt more comfortable. She liked the freedom of being able to move her legs without constraint. The cloth was not too heavy. The jacket made her feel safe and secure in herself.

"Yeah, this is great," she said as she presented herself to Joker for approval.

"Uh huh, I figured," Joker said with a smug grin and looking particularly pleased with himself.

As they approached the front desk kiosk to pay one of the Asari stared at Shepard as if somehow Shepard was drastically changed when not wearing white.

Shepard made a face. "Umm, is something wrong."

"Oh, sorry!" the Asari apologized. "It's just that, you look so much like her."

"Who?"

"Commander Shepard!" the Asari said.

Shepard gave a half-smile. "Oh really?"

The Asari lit up, "I met her once, you know? She was so great. Bought nearly everything from my store on the Fallen Citadel."

Joker let out a laugh. "Sounds about right."

With a quick transfer of credits Joker and Shepard left the store out the back.

They walked down a quiet alleyway with bags of clothes in hand. The only sound came from the swish of the bags swinging in the air.

From the back of the buildings, Shepard imagined the area was quite lovely. But Joker had insisted on going through the back. He said that without her memories, it would be too dangerous to have her out in the general public. Even then, the Archendome was a new structure built after her latest death, and she would not know how to navigate without Joker and Joker hated walking in crowds when he had to hobble about.

Shepard thought about Joker. She remembered him so fondly. She was not truly all back but she could tell that since she regained some of her memory, Joker was happier. She remembered the angry person who she met on Tuchanka. She did not understand it then to be anger. She could just tell that he was not acting the same way the other krogan were with her.

But it had been two days since she regained her memory and she could tell that he had started to smile more often. It made Shepard feel relieved.

She remembered when she and Joker would catch some down time and have a few moments to mess around and have a laugh over memories and happenings in their convoluted lives. It was weird to both remember it like it was yesterday, but also feel the distance from when she could not remember him. In some ways, her memories of Joker were vivid and were as normal as her recent memory of when she was in the store. In other ways, it was like she was watching her memories on some form of video. And parts of the video were incomplete and lacked depth. It was like it was not her memory at all.

It was confusing and odd and Shepard decided not to think about the distorting sense of self she got when she thought about it. Instead, she chose to look around the Archendome and enjoy her time. And even from the backways, the Archendome was beautiful.

It was only recently constructed and was a collaborative effort from any species that could. It led to some of the better technologies now on the Archendome such as the precise sanitation stations for Quarian populated areas that was a joint project between the Quarians and the Geth. The Asari largely helped in the structure of the Archendome and they had some help from Humans in designing ways the structure could adapt and move if needed so that it was not so restricted to one place as the Citadel was. The Archendome was designed to house and was built with many archways, buttresses, and to Shepard's immature delight, looked like a giant "U." Many things still needed to be built and works on such as the finishing of the defence systems. While the Archendome had some basic defences set up, the main defences was a very intricate system being designed by the odd team of Krogan, Turians, And Elcor. Elcor, Hanar, Drell, and many other races that had limited say in the industrialization of the Fallen Citadel before now had the opportunity to have greater input and say in the development of the Archendome's technology, design, and political structures.

In fact, the Council was no longer the form of galactic diplomacy. Instead, the races decided on a republic with representatives from each race that requested a voice. The Council now answered to the Galactic Republic. If their Spectres did anything too out of line, there was an investigation on the Council by the GR.

Joker had laughed when he was telling Shepard about that. He told her, that despite her being a Spectre, she and the Council never got along. Shepard did not remember the Council, but she found it amusing that she was good enough to annoy the Council and still be wanted by them. Joker said that even when she just started, she used to blatantly disregard the Council's scoldings and false concerns and would often hang up on their calls if she was not in the mood to argue with them… which was almost every time she had a call with them.

Joker said that he was pretty sure that she accepted their calls just so she could hang up on them. Shepard thought that was a bit much, but it did give her delight to think about it.

Shepard wondered if the rest of her crew was as easygoing as Joker. She wanted to ask but, she was not entirely sure if remembering was a good idea. The dematerializing thing was really scary and it was not fair to give Joker a heart attack just because she wanted to remember things quickly. She had only been back for a few days. She had time to remember.

"Shepard!"

Shepard turned to Joker, shocked.

"What?" she asked.

Joker laughed. "You didn't hear me at all did you?" Shepard gave a sheepish smile.

"Sorry," she told him. "What's up?"

Joker motioned to a door in front of them.

"Wanna stop here for a sec?" he said. "Food in my house isn't exactly...food really."

Shepard let out a relieved laugh. "Oh, sure," she chuckled. "I thought you asked me something deep and I missed it."

"Deep?" Joker scratched his head. "Nope, I dunno how to do that. I can try but it might just end up with both of us drowning."

Shepard pulled her face into a faux pained expression. "Yeahhh… I just came back from the dead. I'd rather extend my stay if I can."

Joker nodded. "Fair enough."

Shepard followed Joker into a building she assumed had food but she was not sure of what kind. She just assumed Joker knew what she would like.

And she was not wrong.

They entered the building and the door quickly shut behind them. Everything was dark. Shepard could not see anything.

"Umm, Joker?" she asked out into the dark. She could not even see Joker in front of her. She then felt a hand grab hers.

"Come on, a little more, Commander," Joker's voice said from the dark. She followed the pull of her hand a few steps forward.

"Okay," Joker's voice said. "Now."

The lights turned on and suddenly Shepard was surrounded by color and many voices all shouting at once, "Welcome back, Shepard!"

Shepard's head whirled around as she tried to take everything in at once.

"Wha-?"

Joker gave her a slap on the shoulder.

"Welcome to your 'Back from the Dead Again' party, Commander," he told her.

A blue woman in a light white suit stepped forward. She gave Shepard a bright smile.

"I know you don't remember everything, Shepard," she said gently, " or even everyone…" she seemed sad as she said that. "But it doesn't mean we aren't are overjoyed with your return." She motioned around to the room full of people of all sorts of species of every shape and size. "Your crew, your team, we all missed you greatly."

Shepard looked at everyone in the room. The woman was right, Shepard did not remember almost any of them. She recognized Tali, but that was only because of before. She could not put a name to almost anyone. But the feeling in Shepard's heart told her that these were _her_ people. These were the people she cared about.

Shepard wondered if it was possible to miss people you could not remember.

* * *

"So she doesn't remember at all, huh?"

"I told you, Man. Look, maybe- at least in this case- it's a good thing."

Zaeed took a long sip of his scotch. "Mhmmm."

Joker sighed. "It's really that bad?" he asked.

Zaeed nodded, "Yeah."

"Damn." Joker looked back to Shepard. She was talking with James and Jacob about the party Shepard once threw for everyone. She seemed to be enjoying hearing about stories of everyone's time with Shepard outside the field.

And if Shepard remembered him, it would make Garrus' absence that much more obvious.

Zaeed put his bottle down. "I'm just glad she doesn't remember Thane."

Joker grimaced. "Ugh," he groaned. He put his glass of wine down and reached over to the bottle and took a long swig. Zaeed watched as Joker downed nearly an entire fourth of the bottle at once.

"Woah there," Zaeed said with a hard pat on Joker's shoulder. "Slow down."

Joker stopped and wiped his mouth of any drops. He put the bottle down hard on the bar. "Dammit!"

"Didn't think about that conversation either?" Zaeed said with a fake smile. "Yeah, it's been on me mind for a while now."

Joker let out a low curse. "I dunno who's supposed to tell her about that though? I mean, I certainly can't!"

Zaeed put his hands up in retreat. "Woah, I've got Garrus to handle already. Fucking hell no I'm not going near the issue of Thane."

Joker rubbed his temple. "Shit!" he hissed. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit."_

Zaeed nodded. "Yeah, that's been my thoughts recently too."

Joker groaned. "What the shit? Garrus! Thane! Fucking Mordin! Fucking _shhhiiiiiiit."_

"You can ask Liara to cover Thane maybe?" Zaeed suggested.

Joker shook his head dramatically. "Nah, to be honest, I don't want anyone to have to deal with Shepard when she remembers. Be hopeful. When she remembers stuff, you don't want to be there."

Zaeed gave Joker a questioning look. "What?"

"Yes, why wouldn't want Shepard to remember us?"

"Holy shit!"

Joker and Zaeed turned away and around from the bar to look at Liara who was standing right behind them with an interested looking Samara.

"Dammit, Liara," Joker said dramatically, "you scared the shit out of me."

"Apologies, Joker," Samara said. "We could not help but notice your detachment from the party and was curious as to why."

"Right," Liara agreed. She looked particularly at Joker. "So why don't we want Shepard to remember us?"

"Uhh," Joker looked for the right words. "It's not that you don't want her to… It's more like- Well- it's not so fun- and she-"

"Spit it out, Joker," Zaeed demanded.

"Alright!" Joker took a deep breath. "It's just not pleasant okay?" He sighed. "It's great that she remembers me and all. But some kind of witchy, techy, ghost thing happened."

"I'm sorry," Liara said. "I don't understand." The others seemed to agree with her sentiment.

"Argh," Joker raked his brain for a way to explain. "Look, I don't think she's fully here or something and remembering seemed to almost, send her back. Nd she was all weird and like, broke off into pieces and-"

"Broke off into pieces?" Samara wanted to clarify.

"Well, no, not ' _pieces'_ really-"

"Then what is it _really?_ " interjected Liara.

"It was like this glowing light thing, on her shoulder, and her eyes-"

"So she's an alien now?" Zaeed asked.

"No, Dr. Chakwas said she's still huma-"

"Then explain it better," demanded Liara.

"I'm _trying_ -"

"If she is human is how did she break off?"

"I don't know-"

"What kind of pieces did you say?"

"Well it was sort of-"

"And how long was it?"

Then Joker let out an ungodly deep growl. "AR _RRGHHHHH_!"

The other three stopped for a moment and looked at him.

"What was-" Liara started but Joker held up a hand.

"Just _listen,_ okay?" he said. Liara nodded.

Joker took a deep breath and then began.

"It wasn't like anything I'd ever seen. She's supposed to be totally organic human right now. No biotics. No implants. Nothing. Just pure human flesh. But when she started to remember, it came to her at once and-" Joker swallowed. He did not like remembering that moment very much. "She started to glow and like, she started to change. Her eyes lit up, she kind of seemed like, dreamy. But she seemed almost pained. And when I went to help, and I touched her," Joker looked down to his hands. He could remember the feeling from that day. How when his hand reached her, he could feel her skin for only a second before it broke off. He knew it was not him, but he still felt like somehow it was his hands that broke that part of her. "When I touched her shoulder, it like, disintegrated into this kind of weird light sand that floated in the air. And where it was broken, her shoulder and insides were all light. Like, she had nothing but light inside."

Joker swallowed again. He really did not like remembering. Seeing her so fragile; so delicate; so not Shepard; it was not fun.

Liara, Zaeed, and Samara were all silent as they contemplated Joker's words.

Eventually Zaeed said, "Well, that's all kinds of fucked up."

Joker nodded. "You would be right on that one."

"And there was nothing you could do?" asked Liara.

Joker scoffed and glared at her. "Like what? I couldn't even _touch her,_ Liara! She literally broke up like dust or some shit!"

Liara looked away. "Sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Whatever."

Samara looked back to Shepard who was now laughing with EDI and Jack loudly at Tali's impression of some of the Council members. Samara stood still for a moment lost in her thoughts.

"I'll handle it."

Joker looked to Samara. "What?"

Samara turned back to Joker. "Leave the Commander in my care."

Joker let out a burst of laughter followed by Zaeed.

"What? Are you serious?"

Samara's expression did not change as she said, "Naturally. Why would I not be?"

"Because that's not you!" Joker snorted. "No offense, Samara, but you strike me more of a kill _without_ care, not a _caring_ person."

Samara turned back to look at Shepard.

"The Commander was the first person in a long time to help me remember the joys of companionship. I considered us…" Samara watched as Shepard gave an awkward chuckle at Tali's impression of Shepard yelling at the Quarian admirals.

"'You didn't waste much time declaring us dead!'" Tali said in a deep hard voice that she struggled not to break Shepard's character. "'Go get your ship!' _It was so cool!_ " Tali squealed the end in excitement. Shepard laughed properly now and her smile was bright. It was nice to see her like this. But at the same time, Shepard was not connecting with everything being said. And Samara could tell. But it did not mean Shepard would never remember. And she could eventually reconnect with everyone, and with herself.

Samara let a small smile make its way to the corner of her lips. " _Friends,_ " she finished. "Shepard and I were very good friends."

Liara frowned. "We all were friends, Samara," she said. "Why shouldn't she stay with me?"

"Um, who said that was okay either?" Joker added, though his comment went ignored by the two Asari.

Samara did not turn to Liara as she said, "Liara, you are busy with being the Shadow Broker and reconstructing Illium. Joker, you have made it clear that you are uncomfortable with Shepard gaining back her memories with you, and she will need someone."

"Yeah, but-!"

Samara looked held up a hand. "I am the most qualified and have the most experience of anyone here. This is a matter I will do well in."

Zaeed leaned back. "No argument on that from me," he said, "but I do have one thing. What about your Justicar business and such? Aren't you going to be busy?"

"Bringing back Shepard to her fullest potential is serving everyone in the galaxy a great good," Samara answered. "And leaving her without her memories is a huge injustice. It would be against my code to allow her to proceed without guidance and without her whole self back if it is possible to regain her fully."

"Yeah, but, you'll have to do everything!" Joker argued. "From Saren to the Crucible! I mean you weren't even there for things with like, Ash! What about that?"

"That will not be necessary," Samara answered. "Shepard will remember everything on her own. Some things I will help with, but no one can help her with it all. For example," and with this, Samara turned around and faced her small group, "either of her deaths."

At that Joker felt his stomach drop, Liara felt sick and Zaeed let out a low " _fuck."_

"Exactly," Samara said. "I doubt anyone will want to bring back Shepard's memory of suffocating to death alone. Or whatever it was that happened on the Citadel."

Samara turned back to look at Shepard. "No," she continued, "Shepard will need support and guidance, but ultimately she will need herself on this journey. And that is a lesson I have learned well."

Joker thought about it and wrestled with the idea of Shepard being taken from him again but ultimately he agreed as did Liara. Zaeed just said, "As long as it's not fucking _me_."

And with that, after the party, Joker handed Samara a case of things he thought Shepard would need.

Shepard walked over to Samara warily.

"Um, hi, again," she said nervously. "So, umm," she turned back to Joker. "Are you sure about this?" she wanted to confirm.

Joker laughed. "Duh, Commander. Look, Samara's the best. She's got you. Besides," he gave a weak arm flex, "I'm not exactly suited to protect you. And EDI's already got her hands full with me so…" He slapped her arm. "Go on and break shit out there."

Shepard laughed. "Umm, okay? I don't know how that'll help-"

"Always does, Commander," Joker said while shoving her out the door with Samara. He managed to shove Shepard out more but Samara fought him to stay slightly back.

Samara turned to face Joker directly as Shepard went to the cab shuttle. Samara's large eyes poured into his as she said, "I shall return with the real Commander Shepard," Samara said. "And the Code does not allow me to lie about such things," she added for Joker's assurance.

"Yeah, whatever," Joker said. He stepped back from Samara. "Just get her back in one piece."

Samara nodded and with that she left, taking Shepard with her.

Joker watched as his old Commander flew off without him.

"Shit."

* * *

 **My sister says it's longer because it has parts she wasn't sure about when she wrote them earlier. I dunno why that matters but whatever.**

 **She also loves Samara and hated the lack of Samara time in ME3 since she would have loved to explore Samara outside the Justicar stuff because even her kids ran into the issues with the Code.**

 **She digs the whole Reviewing thing and totally understand the begs now from other fanfics. Normally she did it as a courtesy but now she'll do it on principal. As you should to. I think the real reason this is longer is because she got another review.**

 **And my words are useless because she doesn't trust me. Her baby brother. Ugh.**


	8. Chapter 8- Horosk

Garrus Vakarian lay on pile of clothes on the floor. He had very little in his apartment. Only a few clothes, a mini fridge (that was filled mostly with booze and crackers), and a stool resided in his low-walled residence. He had more than enough money for more. But the most he ever spent money on was Turian drinks when he had to because he was outside of the sanctity of his apartment for a job. Well, that and his guns. The only thing in the wall installed cabinets, drawers, and his closets were guns and ammo, and things to take care of his guns.

Garrus had guns, but once he got to his apartment, he never kept one on him. He kept a knife to open food canisters if he needed it but it certainly did not keep it for protection. He would get to his apartment and not bother locking it or making it secure in any way. Before, he had a system set up when he and Zaeed were working together but when Zaeed left, Garrus stopped bothering. Zaeed would activate it whenever he came by, but the next time Garrus would leave, he would not bother.

Garrus reached to his side and grabbed a shirt, balled it up and put it under his neck. He had a pillow at some point… He also once had a bed. He knew he did something but he could not remember anymore. Not that he really cared. The bed was too high and it made it hard to reach the mini fridge. The pile of clothes was enough. And he was getting more than enough cushion since his pile was slowly increasing. He stopped washing his clothes a couple of months ago. Instead, he would just wear his clothes until he ran out of clean ones, then wore the dirty ones until they smelled vaguely too sweaty. By then, he would just buy new clothes and the dirty ones would go on the bottom half of the pile, and the clean ones would be on the top.

Sure his makeshift bed smelled like a store, but he really did not care. He really did not care about anything really.

Garrus checked his omni-tool. He had a few requests but nothing too urgent. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the stream of artificial light coming from the lights above him. They were dim, but warm and he really could not be bothered with the notion of actually going and turning them off. At the moment, he was practically comatose from the Horosk he had earlier. He had diluted it slightly, but it was still enough to have him _need_ to lie down. He shifted into a position he was okay with, and then allowed himself begin to fade into sleep.

He was just about to nod off when he felt a loss of temperature in his face and opened his eyes to realize that there was a shadow falling over him.

Dazed, he tilted his head to the side to see Zaeed standing over him.

Garrus turned away from Zaeed and then let out a long groan.

"Ugh, Zaeed," Garrus said with effort as he struggled to remember how to speak. "Twice in a week? What in the hell?"

Zaeed scowled. "Wanted to see your ugly mug, Lover."

Garrus groaned in response.

Zaeed crossed his arms. "Anyway, as _joyous_ as it is to meet again, you won't be dealing with _my_ minor annoyances today."

At this Garrus lifted his head slightly to glare at Zaeed.

"What?" Garrus' eyes narrowed as he tried to focus.

Zaeed stepped to the side and Garrus watched a very angry-looking Joker step forward.

Joker's upper lip curled as he looked down on his turian ex-teammate.

"Well, _damn,_ Zaeed," Joker said with a look of disgust. "You weren't joking at all when you said he let himself go to shit."

Zaeed shrugged. "I'm a man of my word."

Joker's disgusted face twisted to amusement and he seemed to be ready to answer back but someone else beat him to it.

"Ha! Now that's a joke if I ever heard one _,"_ came a harsh deep voice.

Zaeed looked over his shoulder. "Oi, you aren't here for your commentary," he snarked back. "You aren't even here for your looks."

Garrus tried to look past Joker to see who it was. His vision was too blurred to genuinely tell but he was pretty sure it was

"Grunt?" Garrus said confused.

Grunt let out a low " _he he he"_ as he approached Garrus. His shotgun hung over his shoulder and he was carrying a huge bucket of some sort. Joker moved out the way so Grunt could Grunt gave Garrus a scary-looking smile.

"In the flesh, _Vakarian,"_ he said as he looked around Garrus and his clothes pile. "Heard you went to shit. But this is pretty disgusting."

Garrus looked at the bucket in Grunt's hand.

"What exactly is that supposed to be?" Garrus said as he lay back down on his clothes. There was no response. Garrus closed his eyes assuming Grunt was just being weird again. Which is why he was not prepared for the vat of icy snow and sleet that Grunt poured over him.

Garr us jumped up from his position on the floor in shock. "ARRGHH! " he cried out.

Grunt looked to Joker and a delighted smile was plastered on his face.

"This was a great idea, joker. Very fun."

"Happy to see that gorgeous smile, Grunt."

"He,he, yeah."

Garrus hopped off his pile of dirty/ clean clothes and started shaking off the snow and ice from his body. He had not been wearing a lot to begin with. All he had on was some sweatpants and an undershirt, and they did not offer a lot of protection from the bitter cold that was dumped upon him. The cold was cutting into his skin and made him feel like he was being stabbed with thousands of tiny needles.

"What the hell is this?!" Garrus frantically wiped off the cold water from his arms.

"Your intervention ,"Joker responded with a smug grin.

Garns glared at Joker.

"What? " he growled. But Garris' words went ignored as Zaeed tilted his head and took a better look at his ex-partner .

"You know,"Zaeed Started, "this went a lot faster than I originally thought it would." Joker gave Zaeed a confused look .

"Yeah," he said. "I was under the impression that this was going to be a major pain in the look how fast he got up!"

"Excuse me?'' Garrus said as he glowered at them.

Grunt shrugged and added,"Well, I was hoping hoping for a fight. This was boring. He's drunk. Not a threat. " He rolled his eyes. " This was boring. He's drunk. Not a threat. " He rolled his eyes. "Where's the fun in this shameless display of utter defeat?"

Garrus' glare turned to Grunt. "What did you just say?"

Grunt tossed the bucket over his shoulder. The clanging noise echoed in Garrus' ears and threw his equilibrium off. Not that he had very much to begin with. The Horosk was intense and while the cold offered Garrus temporary relief from the impending blurring of his mind, his balance was another matter and he had to focus otherwise he would topple over into the ice he had just dropped to the floor.

Zaeed let out a long, dramatic, fake yawn.

"Look, partner," he started

"Partner? Ha!" Garrus scoffed. Zaeed shrugged it off.

"Yeah, whatever, you goddamn prick," Zaeed popped his neck. "I'm not really doing well at this whole 'rescuing you' crap."

Garrus lost his balance and took some steps back into his mini fridge. He put his hand back and used the fridge to keep himself up.

"I don't- I don't need to be rescued," Garrus could feel the blood rushing to his head. Or away. Whatever direction it was moving, Garrus' vision had an encroaching darkness and he could barely make out anything. He wobbled and his knees started to bend. "Ugh," he groaned.

Joker sighed and rolled his eyes. "Oh, there it is. Grunt?"

Grunt went over to Garrus and caught him just before he collapsed to the ground. Then, he grabbed Garrus by the waist and hurled him over his shoulder.

"Hey- put- put me- down," Garrus said. He wanted to close his eyes but he forced them open even though he could not see anything anymore. "Put me _down!_ "

Zaeed smacked Garrus on the shoulder. "No chance, partner. You got some shit to clean up."

Garrus tried to slap Zaeed but he had almost no control over his arm. It barely raised up and Garrus ended up looking like he was just wobbling because of Grunt walking and not from his feeble attempt at violence.

Garrus was carried out of his apartment by Grunt with a smug Zaeed and Joker leading the way. Garrus promised himself that when he could properly stand again, he was going to hurt all three of them.

* * *

 **My sister got more reviews and so she tried to update quickly. It's shorter but the next one should be longer according to her.**

 **She appreciates the support and stuff... umm. She's a bit worried though because the next chapter is supposed to be super important so I dunno about her next update. It'll be interesting.**

 **Anyway, guess we'll find out.**


	9. Chapter 9- Two Nerds

The doors spread open to Liara's office. Liara looked up from her bright orange screens of information and work.

"Tali?" Liara said in surprise. She had seen Tali not long ago at the party for Shepard but the two women did not have a chance to talk much beyond superficial pleasantries.

Despite their short discussion at the party, it had been nice to see Tali. Especially in person. Liara kept tabs on just about everyone from the Normandy. Even those lost.

It was hard to establish tabs on everyone at first. The body count and number of missing in action people from the Earth attack was great. The Normandy was no exception. Many crew members fell victim to the Reapers and many of them Liara had been fond of. Even those she was not so fond of, she still watched for. She was not about to let their bodies be gone forever. Liara had quite a year after the end of the Reaper threat with trying to sort through the carnage. She made sure everyone, dead or alive made it back to someone.

Except for Shepard.

Tali entered and greeted Liara, "Liara, hi. We didn't have a chance to really talk the last time we saw another."

It was weird to Liara to see Tali so poised. Tali had really grown into a wonderful woman over the years. Being an Admiral did her well and it suited her. Tali cared so much for her people. Liara cared about her people too of course, but not in the way Tali did. Tali considered all Quarians to be her family. It was a quality about her that Liara admired.

Liara nodded. "Indeed." She motioned to the seat in front of her. "Please, sit down." Liara then exited out of the screens she was working on. Her life was not quite as hectic as before, especially once she settled as being the Shadow Broker, but she still had a great deal of work she had to get done on a constant basis.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything important," Tali said as she sat down. "I could always come back later if you are busy." Tali opened her omni-tool. "We could work something in next week I think, or next month. Wow, I really should have thought this through more."

Liara gave a small laugh. "Tali, I'm always busy. But anyone with the Normandy as their heart is someone I always have time for."

Tali nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, that's something that I've come to do more this time around," Tali said almost to herself.

"This time around?" Liara asked.

Tali shrugged. "Yes, I kind of…" she thought about her words for a moment before saying, "cut myself off… you know… the first time the Normandy was out of commission."

"Really? How so?" Liara asked. If she recalled right, Tali was one of the first people Shepard met when Shepard had come back. It was coincidence, but, Tali was one of the first people to see the true extent of the Reaper threat. She was the first one to understand the Reaper intent of taking their conquests to the Reapers.

It was an event that Liara missed out on and Liara was envious of it. Granted, Liara was busy tracking down the previous Shadow Broker, and that proved very valuable, but she still should have taken some time to check in on Shepard.

Tali sighed. "I completely engrossed myself in Quarian work. Sometimes, I didn't even agree with what they were saying, and rather than think for myself, I hid behind a fake idea of 'responsibility.'" Tali shook her head. "It's embarrassing that I had a chance to help Shepard earlier but I would rather go investigate a star that proved to be a waste of time and lives."

Liara had heard about that incident with the star. Whatever did happen with its relevance, Tali's report was very thorough. Stars did not die that quickly and it was very clear in Tali's report. That mission was also how Shepard managed to properly recruit Tali back to the Normandy. Whereas, Liara… She did not meet up with Shepard until…

"I'm sure that it was the best decision for you at the time, Tali," Liara said. "You had a duty to your people."

Tali turned away from Liara. "I don't know about that." She rest her head on her tiny hand. "Maybe, I was just hurt. I think I blamed Shepard for dying." Tali let out an embarrassed laugh. "Can you imagine? I blamed her for dying!" Tali fell silent for a moment. She seemed to reflect on her words. Then she said, "My punishment to her was to not help with a threat to everyone in the galaxy… that was thought-out well."

Liara took a deep breath. "You aren't alone in that, Tali."

Tali turned back to Liara. Though she had a mask covering her face, Liara could tell that Tali did not believe her.

"It's true, Tali," Liara turned slightly to look outside. It was the same sun that she had seen the day Shepard came looking for Liara back then. "You know, Shepard came to me at my request. She asked me for help, but I-" the sun fell on her face but for some reason, the rays felt cold as she admitted, "I refused."

Liara's words hung in the air for a moment. Both women reflected on it. _Refusal._ It was something that was so bold. It was a word that expressed a definite, "no." It was a word meant for those who truly intended for something to not happen.

Tali gave an awkward cough. "I heard that you were looking for a friend. That's reasonable." Tali was looking for an excuse on Liara's behalf. Liara found it cute. Tali was always cute.

Liara gave a solemn nod. "In some ways," she agreed. "In others, I was like you. I blamed Shepard for leaving." Liara took a deep breath and forced herself to keep any tears and burns to her throat from coming up. She then forced out, "I blamed her for leaving _me._ "

Liara turned back to Tali. Tali looked miserable. Liara imagined that Tali had felt similar to Liara about Shepard first died. In many ways, Liara and Tali were similar. Two brilliant minds in a world with so much to learn. And it was so easy to hide in learning. It was easy to be safe. But Shepard had rode into their lives and made it dangerous, crazy, fun, and exhilerating. Shepard was a force and she plowed herself into the walls of their lives. So when Shepard was gone, the space she once took up was left with nothing. It was a void. And Liara, and Tali had no idea how to fill that void with anything else. No amount of information could be enough. No amount of responsibility held the same weight. No number of books, ships, tools, or anything possibly in the galaxy was capable of replacing Shepard and filling her space in the hearts of those around her. And so her loss was unbearable in more ways than one.

Liara did not know why Tali had dropped by, but Liara was hoping it was not to feel worse about herself. So Liara figured she might as well confess something to make Tali feel better. She looked miserable. Tali's tiny shoulders were slumped and her head seemed to sink lower in her hand. It was awful to see.

"Of course," Liara started, "I was also feeling ashamed and guilty for turning her body to Cerberus so I also did not want to show my face to her."

Tali gasped and lifted her head off her hand. "What?" she exclaimed. "That was you?!"

Liara gave an embarrassed grin. "That's right." Liara could feel Tali's focus shift to Liara. Sure it was embarrassing to admit this to anyone besides Shepard, but Liara was trying to cheer up Tali. "Oh, I wanted to see and make sure she was okay, but I also never wanted to see her again!"

Tali did not seem sure as to what to do with this information. She just sat still for a few moments as Liara's words ran through the Quarian's brilliant head.

Eventually Tali said, "I guess I'm not the only one who retreated back when Shepard died."

Liara shook her head. "No. I guess it's different for us though. People like Kaiden, he was used to having people. He found solace in others. He knew how to rely on them." Liara blushed. "I was, quite the introverted nerd before Shepard." Liara remembered the day that Shepard rescued Liara. Shepard had come in practically riding on a blast. Shepard was a walking storm and she had shaken up Liara's world.

"Shepard, she made me realize the value of having friends." Liara placed her hands behind her back. "Losing her made me realize how awful it was when something so great was gone."

Tali nodded in understanding.

"So I suppose," Liara continued, "I retreated. I went back to what I did my whole life. I regressed to my academic self. _Shadow Broker_ is really just a fancy name for ' _information nerd'_ after all."

"You do more than that," Tali argued.

Liara frowned in thought. "Yes, but, it's still a skill and area I have done almost my whole life. Now, I wasn't the Shadow Broker immediately, of course. Which in some ways also did not work well for me." Liara sighed. She looked back outside. "I clung to someone in an attempt to fill Shepard's place, and it led me down a dark path."

"Oh, I didn't know," Tali said.

Liara waved Tali off. "Well how could you? I didn't want to see anybody who could remind me of the Normandy." Liara remembered the nights she desperately wanted to talk to someone and how she would hover her hands over names are she talked herself out of calling them.

The sun looked red. It reminded Liara of the N7 logo. It applied to some of the best soldiers in the galaxy now. But Liara could not help but automatically think of Shepard as the driving force behind it.

Liara could not help but laugh. "You know," she started, "it's funny. I headed down this dramatic path of revenge because of Shepard, and it took Shepard to get me off of it." Liara's laughing filled the room. Liara turned back to Tali and had to sit down as she said, "Shepard has probably never even realized it!"

Tali stared at Liara for a moment before she eventually started to laugh too.

"Shepard is very dense when she wants to be," Tali managed to say through her giggles. "So you're probably right!"

After the laughing subsided Tali said, "I'm just," she swallowed. "I'm really glad she came back again."

Liara nodded. "Yes. I think that I've done better than the last time she was gone. I didn't completely hide away. I even have regular meetings with Miranda-"

"Really? _Miranda_?"

Liara nodded. "Yes, I was surprised too. But Miranda is quite brilliant. With her father and Cerberus gone, she has proven to be a valuable asset, and a wonderful friend."

Tali leaned back in her seat. "Wow, I had no idea."

Liara smiled, "Yes, well, she's helped me make sure I stay on track. She is kind, but very strict!"

Tali chuckled, "Now that I can see!" Her chuckles softened. "I can…" her voice carried off into silence. She seemed to be thinking about what to say next. Liara still did not know why Tali dropped by but she could imagine that it was-

"Shepard," Tali eventually said.

"What about her?" Liara asked.

Tali took a breath. "I'm just- I'm worried, Liara."

"Understandable, but I can't imagine you came all the way to me just for that."

Tali nodded and opened her omni-tool. "I've been doing some research on the Geth because they were upgraded with the Reaper technology before Shepard died only to _further be upgraded_ after she left." Tali moved three images from her omni-tool to project onto Liara's screen behind Liara. Tali walked over to it and Liara turned around to properly see.

Tali pointed at the image on the far left. "This is the Geth hardware after the first upgrade. This is when they achieved true status as actual AIs." She then pointed to the image to its right. "This is the Geth hardware after the galactic upgrade that occurred after the events on the Citadel. Do you see the change here?"

Liara looked to the image. "Yes. It has more branches and seem even more fluid."

Tali nodded. "Yes. I don't know if you ever realized, but some Geth can now create music that was not limited to an function."

"A sense of being an individual?"

"Exactly."

Liara considered Tali's words. Then looked to the images on her screen. "Then what about this here?" Liara asked as she stood up motioned the the third image farthest right.

"That's what I was confused about," Tali said.

"It seems like some of those branches from the second image-"

"Darkened," Tali filled in.

"Yes," Liara agreed. "As if they died. What happened?"

Tali turned to Liara. "This is what I've found since Shepard has been back. And it's something I have seen everywhere." She pulled up more images. Not all were Geth, but they all had Reaper upgrades. "Everywhere that had Reaper upgrades. And I don't know what it means."

Liara looked at the images on her screen and thought about what Tali told her.

"I'm worried that Shepard's being back might have a negative effect on her," Tali told Liara. "EDI said she brought Shepard from the Reaper programming. What if that was not supposed to happen?"

Liara looked at the darkened branches in the programming. Not all the images were from AIs, but Liara could tell that the darkening was restricted to anything from the Reapers.

Eventually Liara said, "I'll have my people look into it, Tali." Then she considered it for a moment before correcting herself and saying, "Actually, I'll look into this myself."

Tali let out a sigh of relief and covered her chest. "Thank you, Liara." She closed out the screen and her omni-tool. "I've just been going crazy over this. I just need help."

Liara looked to Tali. "And I'm here to give it to you."

Tali reached out and her two arms slipped around Liara and pulled her in. "Ohh, you have no idea how much I appreciate this, Liara!"

Liara smiled and hugged Tali back. "I'm happy to help, Tali. I've missed you."

Tali pulled back. "I've missed you too, Liara. I guess, I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with you." Tali seemed to think on her words for a moment before saying, "Or some other people I suppose."

Liara knew who Tali was talking about. "Garrus?"

Tali nodded. "I used to be so close to him. Being the only other dextro-protein species on the ship and all." Tali fiddled with her hands a bit as she told Liara, "After we all split because we couldn't look through the Citadel ruins anymore, Garrus and I would meet up a lot to hang out when he wasn't working on some job with Zaeed."

"Oh?"

Tali nodded. "Yeah. I used to love it. But then I started getting busy with Admiral stuff and he and Zaeed just got tougher and tougher missions. And they weren't even all dangerous. Sometimes, I could just see it on him, you know?

"I remember one time he came back and he just looked spent. He told me they went to some base that was once for refugees. They went because there hadn't been any reports in months. They got there and it was... He said that there were only children on the base because all the parents killed themselves so that their children could eat. But since they were children, the babies died or were sick because the children couldn't properly take care of the babies."

Liara was taken aback. She had not heard of such a mission. Then again, she never really looked into it that much. While she checked on Garrus, she never dwelled too much on what he did. He was good at what he did. It was why Shepard never worried too much about him either. Liara did not realize that Garrus' current state was partially because of events after Shepard's death.

Tali shook her head. "I feel like I let him down," she admitted. Now that Liara thought about it, she too felt that way. But she did not say that. Instead she put a comforting hand on Tali.

"This," Liara said motioning to Tali's omni-tool, "Garrus? It's not your fault, Tali."

Liara looked down. "It's no one's fault. It's just the life we were given."

Tali pulled away from Liara's hand. "But I was there for at least Garrus! I should've seen where he was heading to."

Liara shook her head. "No, Tali. We could have never imagined Garrus would end up this way. We could have never imagined that Shepard would be back. But what matters is what happens next. Joker, Grunt, Zaeed… they are more than enough to handle Garrus. And Samara has Shepard. You and I have to solve _this_ mess of a technology issue. We fix what we can. And things will work out."

Tali took a breath. "Whew. Okay. You're right, Liara. Thanks."

Liara grinned. "We'll do our best. And we'll get through this. We always do."

* * *

 **So greetings friends! It is I! The actual author!**

 **So some explanations (excuses) for the long update.  
1- kinda legit. I went on a trip and was on babysitting duty for 4 kids for an entire week. Woot... vacations... anyway work was NOT happening with that**

 **2- kinda not legit but kind of is? I read through some reviews and got some critique on my writing style. They weren't wrong but it kind of forces me to consider some things which basically I'm leaving to poll.**

 **So, I average about 2,000 words per chapter. Sometimes over, sometimes under, but I force myself to write about 2,000. This time I wrote more details, more monologue but still wanted a concise chapter so I set a goal of about 3,000. Was a bit under, but not enough for me to care. IF you like chapters more like this, then I'll be averaging a chapter from weekly to one and a half weeks/ two weeks. It's not just word count I'm aiming for here, I'm looking at my style. Which takes a bit more effort this way.**

 **If you liked weekly updates cool. i"m pretty flexible. I'm determined mostly to finish the story. And I don't mind working harder. But that means just that, harder work. So it'll be a bit longer. I think I can push my average up to 3,500 if needed but no promises. I like short, on point chapters. 6,000 words is never happening as a usual thing.**

 **But I want to hear from ya'll! If you were fine with just, outlined story, I can do it. If you like it more detailed, let me know! If you want something in between, I'll consider it too!**

 **I'm putting up a poll so vote and i'll make changes accordingly. Expect an update for the next week and a half and then another week and a half so voting can be for 2 chapters worth.**

 **Thanks!**


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